{random} Thoughts and Happenings – Part One

So, I have been “collecting” (if you will) random thoughts in this head of mine – some for a while and some are brand new.  I decided to break this into two posts, though, so it is less cumbersome to those who wish to read it all (thanks, by the way).

1. My disconnect: I thought it would get better as I progress; however, it has not.  Not even a little bit.  Yesterday marked a momentous occasion (I hit exactly 70 pounds lost), and I could not help but get frustrated instead of happy.  The reason for my frustration is this stupid disconnect I am experiencing.  I thought (earlier on) once I hit a “decent amount” of weight lost it would go away.  I thought I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and see dramatic changes.  I thought I would finally start to feel happy with myself…feel proud of myself…feel more confident in myself.  Nope.  None of that has happened, and it bothers me more than words could possibly describe.  I have tried staring at myself in the mirror (naked) and I have tried taking pictures of myself in old clothes to see how much different they fit (or don’t fit).  None of that has worked.  I still *feel* fat.  I still *feel* gross. I still *feel* awful about my body.  Why?  I cannot help but wonder if I am destined to *feel* fat for the rest of my life…even if I am no longer.  My ex- said that I have spent years programming myself to hate my body, and that I will have to spend just as much effort to reprogram myself not to.  Does that makes sense to you?

2. In the same sort of vein as my disconnect: Boys.  That is a stressful subject (for any girl, probably).  I have a bizarre story to tell, but I am going to tell it cryptically…  So, I was at a local establishment Wednesday night and was talking with the manager.  Just a few minutes into the conversation he gets this look of sheer panic on his face and looks down.  Then he gets a look of relief on his face and says, “Oh, thank God.  I thought my fly was down.  That would have been awful.”  I laugh it off and joke, “Well, that would have just make me like you more.”  He proceeds with, “Don’t tease me.  That has always been on my bucket list: flash a customer.”  I follow with, “What an interesting thing to have on your bucket list.  Well, if you feel like you *must* just to get it over with…”  Of course I was *joking* and thought this entire conversation was a hilarious “what if…” kind of scenario.  Boy was I wrong.  The next thing I know he drops his pants…all the way to the floor.  After he “re-dresses” he tells me I am his favorite and that I simply must come back soon.  So, does he *like* me (you know, like me) or was that just some random and crazy thing?  As I was leaving I thought to myself, “No way he likes me…look at me (enter the disconnect malfunction).”  This disconnect will not allow me to even *think* a boy likes me because I don’t like me…and that is no good.

I feel compelled to add to the above story that this fella was not some creepy old sleezebag.  He was a decent distance away from me and never tried to touch me or anything.  He was actually quite attractive and funny…and aside from that incident…seemed totally normal.  I was not offended or upset, nor did I feel like I was being victimized in any way.

3. My body and my goals: My 30th birthday is coming.  Next month.  My goal, as you might already know, is to weigh 225 by 2/25.  I am almost certain that is not going to happen (especially after last week’s 0.6 pound loss).  I have already mentally prepared myself not to make that goal…and I think I am alright with it.  As long as weight loss continues, I should get really close to that goal (my guess is within five pounds of goal).  Despite knowing (or thinking) I will not make that goal, I have decided to still leave it.  It gives me something to really bust my butt for.

4. While we are talking about my body:  Summer is coming.  It will be here before we all know it (of course, it is only 15 degrees out right now and I am already worried about summer…yes, I am strange).  I have had the same bathing suit for six years (maybe longer, honestly).  Despite fluctuations in my weight during that time, I was always able to wear the same suit.  Some summers it was a little tighter than others, but it always fit enough to wear it.  I also typically wore a shirt over it to hide my icky arms and such.  This summer; however, I know this suit will not work.  Even if I do not lose another pound between now and May (which, let’s hope that does not happen) it still will not fit me.  The thought of purchasing a new suit scares me.  To death.  I thought at first I would just skip the added stress and anxiety and purchase one online, but that seems too risky.  I would lose the opportunity to try it on first…and purchasing one right now would be stupid (because I do intend to lose more before summer).  That means, I suppose, that I get to carry around this anxiety all through the rest of winter, spring, and into the beginning of summer…trying to figure out if I will have enough nerve to go suit shopping in public.  Sigh.

Do you struggle with body image issues?  Have you overcome any body image issues?  If so, how did you reprogram your mind to accept (or even love) your body?

Are you thinking ahead to summer (bathing suits) yet?  How are you preparing to rock out half naked in public?  Do you have anxiety about bathing suits (or even bathing suit shopping)?

-Erica

8 responses to “{random} Thoughts and Happenings – Part One

  1. I love Lands End for bathing suits. You can order online but then (I think still) return them to Sears if they don’t fit.

    I think I need time to process the pants-dropping story! 😀

    • Thanks, Andie, I will definitely check out Lands End. I believe there is still a Sears around me somewhere.

      …and I am still processing the pants-dropping scenario myself! LOL

      -Erica

  2. 1) disconnect – another possibility is you are combining how you look at yourself. You’ve lost 70 but still want to lose another 40 or so which is still a lot of weight. When you are looking at yourself you are more focused on the fact that you are not at your goal than on comparing progress vs. the past. If you have some full body shots from before, put them up against the mirror and compare then.

    2) that guy – i don’t think anyone can tell you what to think that meant.

    • J, you might be on to something there. Maybe I am unconsciously comparing myself to what I want to be instead of what I used to be… Interesting concept. I wish I had taken body shots when I first began last July. I am willing to bet had I done that, I would not be experiencing this weird disconnect at all. However, I did not do that, and I do not have any full body shots that are worthy of comparison. A girlfriend of mine I haven’t seen in a long time wants me to post some pictures on FB, though. So, I think I am going to take new pictures in those brown cords to see what that looks like these days. Maybe that will help me?

      For that guy…I cannot even begin to try to understand what that meant myself. LOL – I may be lost on that forever, honestly.

      Thanks for the insight. It’s always appreciated! 🙂

      -Erica

  3. I struggle with my body image on a daily basis. My husband is in the Army National Guard. He’s pretty buff and toned and I always worry that I don’t look good enough for him. But, then I think back that our love is not shallow or based on appearances. He still says I’m beautiful and how sexy I am, but I struggle with believing it myself. I’m so happy I have a husband that loves me unconditionally, and still thinks I’m hot..but I don’t see it. I want to be back in the size 12 clothes from when we first met (and I still thought I was fat then!). But yes, I struggle with body image, but I don’t stress myself out over it. I’m slowly but surely making better choices and slowly starting to be proud of myself again. With every healthy choice, I think I’m finally doing it this time. It’s only been two weeks for me, but there’s enough changes for me to be proud of. My advice is if you have a journal that you kept at the beginning, reread and see what you were eating, the lack of physical exercise, and think of how far you’ve come. Don’t worry so much about the future and take each day at a time. You’re in this for the long haul. Don’t worry what other people think of your body…believe in yourself! 🙂 Oh, and see I wantec to share with you how your advice

    • Curse this phone! I so wish I had a computer at home with internet. I was also trying to say that you’re advice really helped me. Last night we went to a local pizza place and I had a small salad with fresh mushrooms and mozzerella with some wheat crackers. It was so much healthier and cheaper. I did it! I ate out healthy. I did indulge at the movie and have popcorn and a coke. But, you know what? That coke was the first in 2 weeks and had me bouncing off the walls. So after thr movie, I went to the gym and worked out over an hour! This has never happened to me! It feels so exciting! So, thank you for your encouragement! 🙂

      • I’m so happy my advice helped you!!! It is funny how your tastes change once you have not eaten/drank a certain thing for a while… this reminds me of my Halloween story about Reese cups. 🙂 I felt really proud of myself that night. I can honestly say I have not consumed a single Reese cup since July (or maybe even June) of last year. That is crazy, to be honest. I also used to have a big love affair with York peppermint patties (and I’ve also had none since July). Those I may still like, though…with their minty goodness. LOL – Who knows…but I am not willing to even put one in my mouth anyway, so we’ll never know. 🙂

        -Erica

    • My ex- never cared (and still does not) about my size. He always said I was beautiful and that I looked the same to him as when we met. Of course, I had gained (at my heaviest) around 130 pounds since I met him, so I find that a little hard to swallow. In part it is nice to know he was supportive and never concerned about my weight…but on the other hand every time I did lose weight he never commented on my progress. He would say things like, “You still look great to me.” He thought that was the “right” thing to say, but it always aggrivated me, honestly. I just felt like he was giving me a “safe” answer instead of an honest one. LOL

      I have been talking with my therapist about my body image disconnect…a little anyway. I need to be more honest about just how bad it is…and how much it bothers me. I tend to downplay it when I am talking with him. I know the whole thing seems to absurd, but it is really happening to me. I just wish I felt more like I am making progress, but for right now, I just get to “take everyone else’s word for it” when they rave about how great I look now. 😦

      -Erica

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s