So, I have been “collecting” (if you will) random thoughts in this head of mine – some for a while and some are brand new. I decided to break this into two posts, though, so it is less cumbersome to those who wish to read it all (thanks, by the way).
1. My disconnect: I thought it would get better as I progress; however, it has not. Not even a little bit. Yesterday marked a momentous occasion (I hit exactly 70 pounds lost), and I could not help but get frustrated instead of happy. The reason for my frustration is this stupid disconnect I am experiencing. I thought (earlier on) once I hit a “decent amount” of weight lost it would go away. I thought I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and see dramatic changes. I thought I would finally start to feel happy with myself…feel proud of myself…feel more confident in myself. Nope. None of that has happened, and it bothers me more than words could possibly describe. I have tried staring at myself in the mirror (naked) and I have tried taking pictures of myself in old clothes to see how much different they fit (or don’t fit). None of that has worked. I still *feel* fat. I still *feel* gross. I still *feel* awful about my body. Why? I cannot help but wonder if I am destined to *feel* fat for the rest of my life…even if I am no longer. My ex- said that I have spent years programming myself to hate my body, and that I will have to spend just as much effort to reprogram myself not to. Does that makes sense to you?
2. In the same sort of vein as my disconnect: Boys. That is a stressful subject (for any girl, probably). I have a bizarre story to tell, but I am going to tell it cryptically… So, I was at a local establishment Wednesday night and was talking with the manager. Just a few minutes into the conversation he gets this look of sheer panic on his face and looks down. Then he gets a look of relief on his face and says, “Oh, thank God. I thought my fly was down. That would have been awful.” I laugh it off and joke, “Well, that would have just make me like you more.” He proceeds with, “Don’t tease me. That has always been on my bucket list: flash a customer.” I follow with, “What an interesting thing to have on your bucket list. Well, if you feel like you *must* just to get it over with…” Of course I was *joking* and thought this entire conversation was a hilarious “what if…” kind of scenario. Boy was I wrong. The next thing I know he drops his pants…all the way to the floor. After he “re-dresses” he tells me I am his favorite and that I simply must come back soon. So, does he *like* me (you know, like me) or was that just some random and crazy thing? As I was leaving I thought to myself, “No way he likes me…look at me (enter the disconnect malfunction).” This disconnect will not allow me to even *think* a boy likes me because I don’t like me…and that is no good.
I feel compelled to add to the above story that this fella was not some creepy old sleezebag. He was a decent distance away from me and never tried to touch me or anything. He was actually quite attractive and funny…and aside from that incident…seemed totally normal. I was not offended or upset, nor did I feel like I was being victimized in any way.
3. My body and my goals: My 30th birthday is coming. Next month. My goal, as you might already know, is to weigh 225 by 2/25. I am almost certain that is not going to happen (especially after last week’s 0.6 pound loss). I have already mentally prepared myself not to make that goal…and I think I am alright with it. As long as weight loss continues, I should get really close to that goal (my guess is within five pounds of goal). Despite knowing (or thinking) I will not make that goal, I have decided to still leave it. It gives me something to really bust my butt for.
4. While we are talking about my body: Summer is coming. It will be here before we all know it (of course, it is only 15 degrees out right now and I am already worried about summer…yes, I am strange). I have had the same bathing suit for six years (maybe longer, honestly). Despite fluctuations in my weight during that time, I was always able to wear the same suit. Some summers it was a little tighter than others, but it always fit enough to wear it. I also typically wore a shirt over it to hide my icky arms and such. This summer; however, I know this suit will not work. Even if I do not lose another pound between now and May (which, let’s hope that does not happen) it still will not fit me. The thought of purchasing a new suit scares me. To death. I thought at first I would just skip the added stress and anxiety and purchase one online, but that seems too risky. I would lose the opportunity to try it on first…and purchasing one right now would be stupid (because I do intend to lose more before summer). That means, I suppose, that I get to carry around this anxiety all through the rest of winter, spring, and into the beginning of summer…trying to figure out if I will have enough nerve to go suit shopping in public. Sigh.
Do you struggle with body image issues? Have you overcome any body image issues? If so, how did you reprogram your mind to accept (or even love) your body?
Are you thinking ahead to summer (bathing suits) yet? How are you preparing to rock out half naked in public? Do you have anxiety about bathing suits (or even bathing suit shopping)?