Weigh Day (week forty-four)

I am feeling a bit drained today…actually the past week or so I have been feeling slow.  I am not really sure what exactly is going on.  Maybe I am just in some sort of mental slump.  Working out continues to be a top priority, so I know it is not for lack of movement.  Progress is still coming…ever so slowly, but I really cannot complain.

Weeks that bring lower losses (like this one) really force me to think about things in other ways.  That might have something to do with my sorta blue mood.  Maybe.  I went to Wal-Mart the other day to try on jeans (something I do about once a month).  I never go with the intention of buying clothes, I just want to see where I am.  I took a size 14 and a size 16 jeans in the changing room with me.  I decided to be brave and start with the smaller of the two.  A size 14.  A regular 14, I should mention…without the dreaded ‘W’ beside it.  Lo and behold – they fit!  A regular old size 14 jeans fit my body.  Now, they were a little too snug for me to wear them…simply because I do not like my clothes that tight (although I have seen other women in clothes far tighter).

So, why no celebration?  Why no big “I’m a size 14” post?  Well, I do not feel much like celebrating that.  Strange, right?  The problem is when I set out on this journey (at over 300 pounds), I told myself I would be ecstatic to be a size 16 again.  A regular 16.  I thought I would *have* to feel good about myself at that size because a size 16 is no longer fat.  Here I am, though, 10 months later in a size smaller than said 16.  I still feel fat.  I still see a fat girl staring back in the mirror.  Why is that?  The girls working the fitting rooms at Wal-Mart helped me figure out that from a size 28W to a regular 14 (no ‘W’) is 11 sizes.  Eleven whole sizes smaller…and I still feel fat.  Sigh.

I am starting to wonder if I am just destined to feel fat, to see that fat girl in the mirror, forever.  It is similar to being haunted, I would suppose.

Uck.  So, now that I have successfully pulled everyone else down into this funky blue mood with me…let us move to my weigh in, shall we?

212.2

That is down from last week…although not very much.  Less than a pound, in fact.  I must admit that I am not all that happy with that…not that I am fully disappointed or angry.  I am just not thrilled and jumping up and down.  Twenty-seven plus pounds still need to be lost here, so why such the dramatic slow down?

I have a plan for the upcoming week.  I need to shake things up on the food front.  I also need to push extra hard this week in the gym.  Lots of cardio, and hopefully some power yoga Monday night with Aaron and Denise.  My goal is to weigh in at 210.6 or less next Sunday (which would be down 1.6 from today).  Here’s to another week of hard work and dedication…

How did your week turn out?  How are you planning to make this week better?

-Erica

7 responses to “Weigh Day (week forty-four)

  1. I think you need to start feeling thin to match up with your actual body weight. Now is the time to work on your mind now that you have done brilliant work on your body. It is all about changing your mindset – and that is a hard thing to do.

    • You’re 110% right, Colline. That is an extremely hard thing to do. I have been talking about this with my therapist for months now. Some days I feel like that disconnect is improving, and other days I feel like I haven’t made any progress on that front. I need to really make my mental status as much of a priority as I do working out…only when I devote serious effort to it will it improve. I realize that now.

      Thanks for the encouragement (as always)!!! 🙂

      -Erica

  2. I feel that push/pull – success versus what’s in my head – that’s where the real struggle has always been. Stupid brain, sabotaging me! Sorry you are struggling with it, too.

    • I truly wish I would have taken photos (full body) of myself at the very beginning. You know, like the ones you see in those before/after shots for advertisements. The ones where the poor fat chick is standing with the saddest, most desperate face and minimal clothes on. I stole that kind of progress realization from myself when I refused to do it. That is really the only regret I have about this whole journey. I feel like if I had that to look at then I would have to see the changes I have made…but because I have no real idea about what my body looked like at 300+ pounds, I am never going to make that connection.

      How are you going about battling this mental ick, Andie?

      -Erica

      • I’m glad they took photos at our program, but I, too, wish I had lots of evidence I could force myself to look at, because it has to help.

        I’m doing it day by day, hour by hour. I’m trying to comment on the happy feelings and positive realizations as often as the negatives. But I don’t have a great answer now, because I’m struggling right now. I’m having a hard time adjusting to the positive attention. I’ll get back to you on this, because I need to figure it out, and we all do. We will.

  3. Pingback: Weigh Day (week forty-five) | afoodaddict

  4. May I simply say what a comfort to find somebody who really understands what they’re discussing on the net. You definitely know how to bring a problem to light and make it important. A lot more people ought to read this and understand this side of the story. I was surprised you’re not more popular given that you definitely possess the gift.

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