Tag Archives: body image

Weigh Day (week forty-four)

I am feeling a bit drained today…actually the past week or so I have been feeling slow.  I am not really sure what exactly is going on.  Maybe I am just in some sort of mental slump.  Working out continues to be a top priority, so I know it is not for lack of movement.  Progress is still coming…ever so slowly, but I really cannot complain.

Weeks that bring lower losses (like this one) really force me to think about things in other ways.  That might have something to do with my sorta blue mood.  Maybe.  I went to Wal-Mart the other day to try on jeans (something I do about once a month).  I never go with the intention of buying clothes, I just want to see where I am.  I took a size 14 and a size 16 jeans in the changing room with me.  I decided to be brave and start with the smaller of the two.  A size 14.  A regular 14, I should mention…without the dreaded ‘W’ beside it.  Lo and behold – they fit!  A regular old size 14 jeans fit my body.  Now, they were a little too snug for me to wear them…simply because I do not like my clothes that tight (although I have seen other women in clothes far tighter).

So, why no celebration?  Why no big “I’m a size 14” post?  Well, I do not feel much like celebrating that.  Strange, right?  The problem is when I set out on this journey (at over 300 pounds), I told myself I would be ecstatic to be a size 16 again.  A regular 16.  I thought I would *have* to feel good about myself at that size because a size 16 is no longer fat.  Here I am, though, 10 months later in a size smaller than said 16.  I still feel fat.  I still see a fat girl staring back in the mirror.  Why is that?  The girls working the fitting rooms at Wal-Mart helped me figure out that from a size 28W to a regular 14 (no ‘W’) is 11 sizes.  Eleven whole sizes smaller…and I still feel fat.  Sigh.

I am starting to wonder if I am just destined to feel fat, to see that fat girl in the mirror, forever.  It is similar to being haunted, I would suppose.

Uck.  So, now that I have successfully pulled everyone else down into this funky blue mood with me…let us move to my weigh in, shall we?

212.2

That is down from last week…although not very much.  Less than a pound, in fact.  I must admit that I am not all that happy with that…not that I am fully disappointed or angry.  I am just not thrilled and jumping up and down.  Twenty-seven plus pounds still need to be lost here, so why such the dramatic slow down?

I have a plan for the upcoming week.  I need to shake things up on the food front.  I also need to push extra hard this week in the gym.  Lots of cardio, and hopefully some power yoga Monday night with Aaron and Denise.  My goal is to weigh in at 210.6 or less next Sunday (which would be down 1.6 from today).  Here’s to another week of hard work and dedication…

How did your week turn out?  How are you planning to make this week better?

-Erica

{random} Thoughts and Happenings – Part One

So, I have been “collecting” (if you will) random thoughts in this head of mine – some for a while and some are brand new.  I decided to break this into two posts, though, so it is less cumbersome to those who wish to read it all (thanks, by the way).

1. My disconnect: I thought it would get better as I progress; however, it has not.  Not even a little bit.  Yesterday marked a momentous occasion (I hit exactly 70 pounds lost), and I could not help but get frustrated instead of happy.  The reason for my frustration is this stupid disconnect I am experiencing.  I thought (earlier on) once I hit a “decent amount” of weight lost it would go away.  I thought I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and see dramatic changes.  I thought I would finally start to feel happy with myself…feel proud of myself…feel more confident in myself.  Nope.  None of that has happened, and it bothers me more than words could possibly describe.  I have tried staring at myself in the mirror (naked) and I have tried taking pictures of myself in old clothes to see how much different they fit (or don’t fit).  None of that has worked.  I still *feel* fat.  I still *feel* gross. I still *feel* awful about my body.  Why?  I cannot help but wonder if I am destined to *feel* fat for the rest of my life…even if I am no longer.  My ex- said that I have spent years programming myself to hate my body, and that I will have to spend just as much effort to reprogram myself not to.  Does that makes sense to you?

2. In the same sort of vein as my disconnect: Boys.  That is a stressful subject (for any girl, probably).  I have a bizarre story to tell, but I am going to tell it cryptically…  So, I was at a local establishment Wednesday night and was talking with the manager.  Just a few minutes into the conversation he gets this look of sheer panic on his face and looks down.  Then he gets a look of relief on his face and says, “Oh, thank God.  I thought my fly was down.  That would have been awful.”  I laugh it off and joke, “Well, that would have just make me like you more.”  He proceeds with, “Don’t tease me.  That has always been on my bucket list: flash a customer.”  I follow with, “What an interesting thing to have on your bucket list.  Well, if you feel like you *must* just to get it over with…”  Of course I was *joking* and thought this entire conversation was a hilarious “what if…” kind of scenario.  Boy was I wrong.  The next thing I know he drops his pants…all the way to the floor.  After he “re-dresses” he tells me I am his favorite and that I simply must come back soon.  So, does he *like* me (you know, like me) or was that just some random and crazy thing?  As I was leaving I thought to myself, “No way he likes me…look at me (enter the disconnect malfunction).”  This disconnect will not allow me to even *think* a boy likes me because I don’t like me…and that is no good.

I feel compelled to add to the above story that this fella was not some creepy old sleezebag.  He was a decent distance away from me and never tried to touch me or anything.  He was actually quite attractive and funny…and aside from that incident…seemed totally normal.  I was not offended or upset, nor did I feel like I was being victimized in any way.

3. My body and my goals: My 30th birthday is coming.  Next month.  My goal, as you might already know, is to weigh 225 by 2/25.  I am almost certain that is not going to happen (especially after last week’s 0.6 pound loss).  I have already mentally prepared myself not to make that goal…and I think I am alright with it.  As long as weight loss continues, I should get really close to that goal (my guess is within five pounds of goal).  Despite knowing (or thinking) I will not make that goal, I have decided to still leave it.  It gives me something to really bust my butt for.

4. While we are talking about my body:  Summer is coming.  It will be here before we all know it (of course, it is only 15 degrees out right now and I am already worried about summer…yes, I am strange).  I have had the same bathing suit for six years (maybe longer, honestly).  Despite fluctuations in my weight during that time, I was always able to wear the same suit.  Some summers it was a little tighter than others, but it always fit enough to wear it.  I also typically wore a shirt over it to hide my icky arms and such.  This summer; however, I know this suit will not work.  Even if I do not lose another pound between now and May (which, let’s hope that does not happen) it still will not fit me.  The thought of purchasing a new suit scares me.  To death.  I thought at first I would just skip the added stress and anxiety and purchase one online, but that seems too risky.  I would lose the opportunity to try it on first…and purchasing one right now would be stupid (because I do intend to lose more before summer).  That means, I suppose, that I get to carry around this anxiety all through the rest of winter, spring, and into the beginning of summer…trying to figure out if I will have enough nerve to go suit shopping in public.  Sigh.

Do you struggle with body image issues?  Have you overcome any body image issues?  If so, how did you reprogram your mind to accept (or even love) your body?

Are you thinking ahead to summer (bathing suits) yet?  How are you preparing to rock out half naked in public?  Do you have anxiety about bathing suits (or even bathing suit shopping)?

-Erica

Weigh Day (week eighteen)

Yes, it is that time again…good old weigh day.  This morning calls for a happy, happy day…a celebration is certainly in order.  What to do…what to do…

I weighed in this morning at 264.8, which means I have *officially* hit the 50-pound mark!!!  I am at 50.2 pounds total.  I am excited.  Elated.  Totally stoked.  Pumped.

This Wednesday I have my “fit eval” with Denise to measure my progress in inches (and weight on the machines), so I am looking forward to that as well.

Some random things I have been thinking this week (considering the milestone I have hit):

-My three-year-old daughter weighs about 40 pounds.  I have lost more than she weighs in just over four months.  Crazy.
-My seven-year-old daughter weighs about 59 pounds.  I have lost nearly her body weight in just over four months.  Insane.
-I have lost (at last measurement, which was thirteen weeks) over 40 inches.  That is more than three whole feet worth of me…gone.
-I bought one pair of workout pants this week.  My original workout pants were 3X (22-24).  The pair I bought this week were XL (16-18).  Amazing.

So, why is it that I *still* have yet to see someone thinner looking back in the mirror?  I have proof, confirmation, affirmation…but the eyes/mind just are not registering the changes.  This bothers me…more than a little.  This brings me to a couple questions for all of you (those who have lost a decent amount of weight):

1. Did you ever experience a “disconnect” in your body image during weight loss?
2. How long did this “disconnect” last before you could actually see the difference when you looked at yourself in the mirror?
3. Did you do anything “special” or “significant” to help yourself recognize the changes in your own body along the way (to either avoid or “cure” the “disconnect”)?

-Erica