Tag Archives: disconnect

Weigh Day (week forty-four)

I am feeling a bit drained today…actually the past week or so I have been feeling slow.  I am not really sure what exactly is going on.  Maybe I am just in some sort of mental slump.  Working out continues to be a top priority, so I know it is not for lack of movement.  Progress is still coming…ever so slowly, but I really cannot complain.

Weeks that bring lower losses (like this one) really force me to think about things in other ways.  That might have something to do with my sorta blue mood.  Maybe.  I went to Wal-Mart the other day to try on jeans (something I do about once a month).  I never go with the intention of buying clothes, I just want to see where I am.  I took a size 14 and a size 16 jeans in the changing room with me.  I decided to be brave and start with the smaller of the two.  A size 14.  A regular 14, I should mention…without the dreaded ‘W’ beside it.  Lo and behold – they fit!  A regular old size 14 jeans fit my body.  Now, they were a little too snug for me to wear them…simply because I do not like my clothes that tight (although I have seen other women in clothes far tighter).

So, why no celebration?  Why no big “I’m a size 14” post?  Well, I do not feel much like celebrating that.  Strange, right?  The problem is when I set out on this journey (at over 300 pounds), I told myself I would be ecstatic to be a size 16 again.  A regular 16.  I thought I would *have* to feel good about myself at that size because a size 16 is no longer fat.  Here I am, though, 10 months later in a size smaller than said 16.  I still feel fat.  I still see a fat girl staring back in the mirror.  Why is that?  The girls working the fitting rooms at Wal-Mart helped me figure out that from a size 28W to a regular 14 (no ‘W’) is 11 sizes.  Eleven whole sizes smaller…and I still feel fat.  Sigh.

I am starting to wonder if I am just destined to feel fat, to see that fat girl in the mirror, forever.  It is similar to being haunted, I would suppose.

Uck.  So, now that I have successfully pulled everyone else down into this funky blue mood with me…let us move to my weigh in, shall we?

212.2

That is down from last week…although not very much.  Less than a pound, in fact.  I must admit that I am not all that happy with that…not that I am fully disappointed or angry.  I am just not thrilled and jumping up and down.  Twenty-seven plus pounds still need to be lost here, so why such the dramatic slow down?

I have a plan for the upcoming week.  I need to shake things up on the food front.  I also need to push extra hard this week in the gym.  Lots of cardio, and hopefully some power yoga Monday night with Aaron and Denise.  My goal is to weigh in at 210.6 or less next Sunday (which would be down 1.6 from today).  Here’s to another week of hard work and dedication…

How did your week turn out?  How are you planning to make this week better?

-Erica

Forever Fat

I will be forever fat.  Not in the physical sense, of course, but in other ways.  I have to admit, though, that I am pretty okay with this revelation.  Let me tell you why:

Being fat for all of my adult life has changed me as a person.  I have experienced ridicule and judgment.  I have learned how quickly people dismiss others based on their weight (or other visible differences).  I have learned how cruel others can be, and how many assumptions they make instantly.  These are lessons I never want to forget.

I never want to forget how it feels to be sitting in the corner hoping no one else will notice I am the fattest girl in the room.  Maybe I will not be the fattest girl in the room anymore, but someone else will.  I am far more likely to notice this situation – and be in a position to change it – now.

I never want to forget how it feels to walk into a waiting room and realize there are no chairs without arms.  “My giant tush will not fit into any of the chairs provided,” I think.  I am far more likely to realize the bigger person leaned up against the wall is just embarrassed to even attempt to sit down (for fear of getting stuck).  I will be in a position to change that, too.

I never want to forget how it feels to be judged and pointed at, people whispering.  That hurts – more than those whispering people know.  I will be far more likely to put a stop to that kind of situation when I see it now.  No one should have to endure that.  No one.

I never want to forget what it is like to have my child’s doctor lecture me on how to feed my children healthy diets and ensure they are getting enough exercise.  My daughters are not overweight, nor have they ever been (or ever will be, as far as I am concerned).  The doctor just assumed I must feed them junk food all day long since I was fat.  Another snap assumption (completely wrong, by the way).

These (and other) experiences have taught me a lot throughout my adult life.  I never want to be one of “those” people.  I will carry with me my inner fat girl forever so that I never lose sight of these things.  I *will* be the one person in a room willing to talk anyone – regardless of their appearance (fat or otherwise).  I *will* teach my daughters how important it is to be non-judgmental of others – regardless of differences.  I *will* strive to make a difference in every person’s life I pass through.

Years of torture (both from others and myself) have really weighed on my mental status.  I firmly believe these experiences are why I am having such a difficult time seeing my “new” self in the mirror.  I still see fat – everywhere.  No one can understand how bizarre it is – unless they have experienced it.  The facts (scale, clothes, measuring tape, etc.) just do not line up with what my eyes see.  I wonder if they ever will.  Maybe not.  Maybe that is my mind’s way of ensuring I never lose sight of my former self, though.  Maybe that will be my constant reminder of how it felt to be fat.  Or maybe my mind is just too stubborn to let go of the only body I have known and embrace change.  Who knows.

Weight loss is certainly a *lot* more complex than just calories in and calories out.  I was not expecting this mental roller coaster – not even a little bit.  No one ever talks about how much emotion is released with every pound.  I cannot tell you how many times I have broken down in the gym, crying.  Not because I am sad, but just because sometimes it wells up inside with the adrenaline pumping and spills out onto the gym floor – without my permission.

So, as much as being fat has changed who I am as a person, losing this weight has changed me equally.  I am proud of who I have become.  I am proud of what accomplishments I have made.  Even if my eyes will forever see me as that fat girl.

-Erica

Random Observations

Here is a collection (in no specific order) containing random observations I have made recently:

1. I cannot jump rope to save my life.  Something so simple.  Something every child can do with ease.  It is hilariously wrong to see me even attempt it.  You may (or may not) have noticed I added “Jump Rope (successfully)” to my list of goals.  I will practice.  I will jump rope (successfully).  I will.  Can you jump rope (successfully)?  If so, do you jump with both feet together or do you “skip” with one foot at a time (like a little girl skipping down the street while jumping rope…to help with the visual)?

2. I must see my doctor about my left shoulder.  I have mentioned it here a couple times.  The stupid thing is still bothering me (it has been about five or six weeks, I believe).  Yeah me.  Not.

3. My ankle seems to be improving rapidly.  I have actually taken my brace off, which is major.  Physical therapy is twice a week, so that is a bonus.  Additionally, I do think my new athletic shoes have helped tremendously.

4. I can feel hip bones, folks!  This was an incredible (and quite comical) day for me.  I cannot recall ever being able to feel hip bones in my life (I am sure I could as a child, but who remembers that?!).  In fact, I was so surprised when I felt “something hard” in my side I did not even realize that is what it was.  (That is the comical part)  I had to have my ex- feel “that mysterious hard thing” in my side to find out…it was my pelvic bone!  You should have seen the look on his face *that* day.

5. More injury…my left knee.  The grinding, popping, and clicking seems to be getting worse (not better as I hoped it would).  So, apparently, when I go see my doctor about my shoulder, we will be having a conversation about my knee, too.  Boo!

6. I have poor posture.  I have been overweight/obese/morbidly obese my entire adult life.  In that time frame I have learned/adapted to sitting with my back curled and shoulders slumped forward.  This did a couple things for me (at the time).  A) Hid my *huge* breasts and helped me feel like they were “less big.” B) Released pressure from my lower spine.  I have a herniated and slipped disc in my lumbosacral area.  So, curling my spine forward prevented those discs from being compressed from all the weight I was carrying.  The problem is now I have trouble keeping my back straight and shoulders back (especially when I am doing certain moves in the gym…like stiff leg barbell lifts…or rows…or many other things).  I must work on my posture, and on my upper back strength.

7. I find I am still pretty consumed by the thought of summer…and bathing suits.  Just thinking about it now I felt my heart kick it up a notch.  Anxiety, folks.  Really.  I would love to just “get it over with” and buy something now.  However, I know that would not be in my best interest because I *will* be losing more weight/inches before summer.  How in the world am I going to get through the rest of winter and spring without going crazy?!  Do you have bathing suit anxiety?

8. Emotional eating is something I still battle with…but I am winning.  To me this is a sure sign of food addiction.  Eating when you are not hungry.  Eating instead when you are _____ (fill in some sort of emotion).  I still find that when I get upset my mind instantly wanders to food.  The really exciting part (for me) is that I do *not* get the food.  Sure, my mind still goes there, but my body and mouth do not.  I find something else to do instead…some high knees (plyo), a hot bath with a book, play a game with my chicklets, etc.  Pretty much anything else to keep my hands (and my mind) busy without food.  It is a daily struggle.  Really.  Are you an emotional eater?  If so, what kinds of food do/did you find yourself reaching for?

9. I need more cardio in my life…and soon.  I have been really kicking it up on the weight-lifting front, but my cardio has waned.  The scale numbers have also slowed to a crawl, which tells me I need to change it up…more cardio!  I am still losing, but ever so slowly these days.  I truly believe that is related to the decline in amount of time I spend doing strictly cardio exercises.  What is your favorite way to get cardio in?

10. An update on my disconnect… I think this is improving.  Not as much as I would like, but I cannot complain about improvement of any kind.  When I look at myself in the full-length mirrors at the gym (obviously fully clothed), I am starting to notice changes in my body.  Thanks, Denise (she made me start working out in front of the mirrors in the first place)!  The only time I really still feel that “disconnect” is when I am naked.  I still have a hard time seeing those changes when nothing is between my eyes and my body (IE. clothes, mirror, etc.).  That will take some more time, I suppose.

11. A goal has been marked off…”Take a group class at the gym.”  Last night was, in fact, the second class I have taken at Fitworks.  They are offering free self defense classes every other Wednesday.  I know these are not “traditional” fitness classes, but at least I am there doing things with other people.  Hopefully this will build my confidence and encourage me to attend other classes (like Zumba or a power class).  Small steps.  Really small.  Do you take classes at your gym?  If so, what is your favorite class…and why?

-Erica

{random} Thoughts and Happenings – Part One

So, I have been “collecting” (if you will) random thoughts in this head of mine – some for a while and some are brand new.  I decided to break this into two posts, though, so it is less cumbersome to those who wish to read it all (thanks, by the way).

1. My disconnect: I thought it would get better as I progress; however, it has not.  Not even a little bit.  Yesterday marked a momentous occasion (I hit exactly 70 pounds lost), and I could not help but get frustrated instead of happy.  The reason for my frustration is this stupid disconnect I am experiencing.  I thought (earlier on) once I hit a “decent amount” of weight lost it would go away.  I thought I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and see dramatic changes.  I thought I would finally start to feel happy with myself…feel proud of myself…feel more confident in myself.  Nope.  None of that has happened, and it bothers me more than words could possibly describe.  I have tried staring at myself in the mirror (naked) and I have tried taking pictures of myself in old clothes to see how much different they fit (or don’t fit).  None of that has worked.  I still *feel* fat.  I still *feel* gross. I still *feel* awful about my body.  Why?  I cannot help but wonder if I am destined to *feel* fat for the rest of my life…even if I am no longer.  My ex- said that I have spent years programming myself to hate my body, and that I will have to spend just as much effort to reprogram myself not to.  Does that makes sense to you?

2. In the same sort of vein as my disconnect: Boys.  That is a stressful subject (for any girl, probably).  I have a bizarre story to tell, but I am going to tell it cryptically…  So, I was at a local establishment Wednesday night and was talking with the manager.  Just a few minutes into the conversation he gets this look of sheer panic on his face and looks down.  Then he gets a look of relief on his face and says, “Oh, thank God.  I thought my fly was down.  That would have been awful.”  I laugh it off and joke, “Well, that would have just make me like you more.”  He proceeds with, “Don’t tease me.  That has always been on my bucket list: flash a customer.”  I follow with, “What an interesting thing to have on your bucket list.  Well, if you feel like you *must* just to get it over with…”  Of course I was *joking* and thought this entire conversation was a hilarious “what if…” kind of scenario.  Boy was I wrong.  The next thing I know he drops his pants…all the way to the floor.  After he “re-dresses” he tells me I am his favorite and that I simply must come back soon.  So, does he *like* me (you know, like me) or was that just some random and crazy thing?  As I was leaving I thought to myself, “No way he likes me…look at me (enter the disconnect malfunction).”  This disconnect will not allow me to even *think* a boy likes me because I don’t like me…and that is no good.

I feel compelled to add to the above story that this fella was not some creepy old sleezebag.  He was a decent distance away from me and never tried to touch me or anything.  He was actually quite attractive and funny…and aside from that incident…seemed totally normal.  I was not offended or upset, nor did I feel like I was being victimized in any way.

3. My body and my goals: My 30th birthday is coming.  Next month.  My goal, as you might already know, is to weigh 225 by 2/25.  I am almost certain that is not going to happen (especially after last week’s 0.6 pound loss).  I have already mentally prepared myself not to make that goal…and I think I am alright with it.  As long as weight loss continues, I should get really close to that goal (my guess is within five pounds of goal).  Despite knowing (or thinking) I will not make that goal, I have decided to still leave it.  It gives me something to really bust my butt for.

4. While we are talking about my body:  Summer is coming.  It will be here before we all know it (of course, it is only 15 degrees out right now and I am already worried about summer…yes, I am strange).  I have had the same bathing suit for six years (maybe longer, honestly).  Despite fluctuations in my weight during that time, I was always able to wear the same suit.  Some summers it was a little tighter than others, but it always fit enough to wear it.  I also typically wore a shirt over it to hide my icky arms and such.  This summer; however, I know this suit will not work.  Even if I do not lose another pound between now and May (which, let’s hope that does not happen) it still will not fit me.  The thought of purchasing a new suit scares me.  To death.  I thought at first I would just skip the added stress and anxiety and purchase one online, but that seems too risky.  I would lose the opportunity to try it on first…and purchasing one right now would be stupid (because I do intend to lose more before summer).  That means, I suppose, that I get to carry around this anxiety all through the rest of winter, spring, and into the beginning of summer…trying to figure out if I will have enough nerve to go suit shopping in public.  Sigh.

Do you struggle with body image issues?  Have you overcome any body image issues?  If so, how did you reprogram your mind to accept (or even love) your body?

Are you thinking ahead to summer (bathing suits) yet?  How are you preparing to rock out half naked in public?  Do you have anxiety about bathing suits (or even bathing suit shopping)?

-Erica